Waiting

I can do all things in him who strengthens me A good verse to learn. Philippians 4.13.

This is the attitude I have brought with me into hospital, and to the whole journey of living with, and then treating, my blood cancer, Myelofibrosis. It has served me well.

In the original context Paul is talking about prison, keeping the worries about his impending trial in perspective, and on getting enough to eat - as all prisoners were dependent on friends to bring them food. And his good friends the Philippians have sent him a gift (presumably money) all the way from Macedonia to Rome. This is what the letter is about, he's saying thank you.

But at the end he says, Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

What is his secret? Rejoice in the Lord always!

He has a reference point outside himself - Jesus, who suffered and died, but is alive, and with him in jail. I feel the same. Jesus is with me here in hospital, and every day my heart rejoices because of him. I experience him through prayer, meditating on the bible, and listening to a couple of playlists of great Christian music (Christmas and everyday, put together by Joanna). This is why I am praying 4 times a day in a daily rhythm that gives me structure - first thing, last thing, and just before lunch and supper.

After 3 weeks I have experienced a lot of ups and downs. I am gradually making my way through the whole list of the 'likely side effects' that the doctors warned me about.

The worst so far has been this week's battle with a sore mouth and tongue, which has made it painful to eat and swallow - and one morning even to talk - which felt scary. MUCOSITIS is when your mouth or gut is sore and inflamed. It's a common side effect of chemotherapy and radiotherapy. Although mucositis can be painful, it usually gets better a few weeks after finishing cancer treatment. NHS definition. So, I'm likely to have this for a while.

As I write this, a man has just come round the ward with a mobile tuck shop, and he had both Maynards wine gums and Werther's Originals on his trolley!! Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life.

The other big difficulty I have is sleeping at night. Bleepers and buzzers are beginning to drive me mad. Every time someone's IV drip finishes, off goes the high pitched bleeper, but often it doesn't wake the patient, who could then call the nurse, or stop the alarm themselves; but it wakes me!! Twice last night I had to get up and go and get the nurse to deal with someone else's IV bleeper.

But, looking at this positively, I am very fortunate that I am well enough to take all my current meds by oral tablet, and so have the freedom to walk around, which is relaxing, even at night.

In summary, the first few days were like a retreat, and I felt far too well. Then the Transplant Day was super exciting. The third week has been more trying, a week of waiting.

But, I rejoice in the Lord.

Trouble and pain do not drive Christ away. He himself has experienced the worst kinds of pain and rejection, and he lives. So, times of suffering don't have to separate us from him, au contraire, we can draw close and find comfort.

As Paul says, in chapter 2.1 if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love.

Not only can we be comforted by Christ, we can comfort others - by learning to think as he does, and to love people like he does. Everyday in hospital I have opportunities to do this, and lots lots more to learn. It is not wasted time.

So, I am WAITING for my new stem cells to grow into new bone marrow cells, which start to produce normal hemoglobin, platelets, neutrophils, Etc. The neutrophils are the critical ones for resisting infection, and they have to reach a certain level before I can be released ('any day now, any day now, I shall be released' needs to get onto my Rock Play list).

At the moment my Neutrophils are flat, 0.0, which for Myelofibrosis is normal at this stage. I have fibrous growths in my bone marrow, which makes it like sowing into hard, rocky soil. Pray that there is some receptive soil in there somewhere, and that Caroline's stem cells are persistent!

I am asking that I will begin to see an uptick on Monday, and that once it starts going up, it keeps going up. Lord, have mercy.

Thank you for joining me on this long journey, for your fellowship in suffering, as well as Christ's fellowship. I really do not feel alone at all, which is wonderful.

I feel at peace. Peace at Christmas.